Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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