This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Someone shattered a urinal.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
Randomize
