so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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