Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Mom said you looked used
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Randomize
