I met the friendliest cop last night
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
