i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
