We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
