you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
