his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
