You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
