Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
