My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
