you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Randomize
