Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
