FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
