Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
