We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Randomize
