booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
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