I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize
