if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
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