Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
