If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
