Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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