Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
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