her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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