Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
