Are we in a gay sports bar?
I want you more than these girls want KFC
he told me I talked like a deaf person
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
