It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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