I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
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