3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
We named our party play list daddy issues
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
