I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Randomize
