So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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