your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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