he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Randomize
