"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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