Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
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