There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize
