I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
