Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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