Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Randomize
