Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Actions speak louder than pants.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
