Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
