used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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