Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
