she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
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