I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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