Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
me + whiskey = a bad person
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
