the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
His nipple licking is glorious
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