i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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