we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
