My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
