I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I need a burrito and a hug.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
