Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
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