I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Randomize
