i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Randomize
