you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
