My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Randomize
