Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Randomize
