i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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