guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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