you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Randomize
