the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Just high enough for therapy.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
