seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Randomize