Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
