i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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